Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize