is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i would punch a child for taco bell
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
