Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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