Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
