I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
