That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
