I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Even my vagina gasped.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
