how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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