now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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