i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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