when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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