i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
