Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
