The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
