dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
