I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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