made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
