You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
