i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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