Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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