Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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