Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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