dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
