So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
