Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
my being single is dangerous.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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