she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
