If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize