Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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