Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
