I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
