I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
