I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
