I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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