tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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