As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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