I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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