I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
