so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
