A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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