im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if only i could text you this smell
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Even my vagina gasped.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
