My hand turned me down
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
