planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I think I just sharted jello shots
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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