woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize