we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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