New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
it's like iHOP with fire
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
