When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
