I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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