I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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