I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
