Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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