i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
