Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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