Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
