omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
