my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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