i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize