The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
