The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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