Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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